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Don't we all have a story? Yes, I hear you say....
I have a story, I have a story that is mine and unique to me, I have a story that until recently, I looked back on with a mirriad of emotions, a story that could be felt and discussed using judgement, a story that made people gasp. So what....
Did I step into my ego when telling this story? Did I allow this story to dictate my outcomes? I'm unsure, but something about my story wasn't heathy and I could recognize this, so I stopped talking about my story.... to this day my partner of 5 years does not know my story, (or the story I thought I was defined by). And even though I stopped the story, I still acted out the story, the story of a child brought up in a religious enviorment, with loving beauotful parents, but parents that succumbed to this way of life, that I can only find one word to descibe WEAK.
My parents are far from weak, but as a collective this dommerning enviorment, doesnt allow for free thinikers, so you are left with no choice but to follow, and therefore WEAK.
I saw this beautoful illustration which summed things uop so well for me. it was a picture os a gold fish in a bowl with the word 'religon' inside. The goldfish bowl sat in the ocean and the word 'spriuality' sat inside the ocean. This visual was so strong and pointent that it has to this day stayed with me.
I will also tell you, I am no writer and I am no speaker.... I am many things but these two areas do not come easily to me...
So before I contiude I need you to know that this has been inspired, inspired by whatever, whomever you feel comfortable using as terminlogy. God, Love, The universse, Sprit Guides.... it's up to you but for the purpose of my journery I will refer to the higher releams as LOVE.
So, today I made myself a new writing space with all the things important to me in my vision. I have spent some time in meditation, and I have just prayed, visualisied, used mantra and sat in silence to my LOVE. So back to i'm no writer.....well here goes!
So we all know my defined story of a spirited child in a closed spritual enviroment gave me my purpose and defintion. So at the age of 16, not looking to be reblious I conceived my daughter. (just another layer to my story)...
I wanst looking for sex, or attnetion, I was looking for LOVE, the love I did not feel in my family or religous commuity. I remember one of the Elders who was instructed to ask me moment accout of the action of conceving my daughter, finished his essey questions, with "nice girls get pregnant" it took me a very long time to understand what he meant and to be honest I don't think he meant to say it, it kind of just fell out of his mouth.
Here are a few mantra/phrases I which I had learnt at the age of 16.
The wound is the place the light enters - Rumi
What comes with one hurt has a layer of baby hurts that sit right under the main mother ship. These baby hurts tend to turn into larger ships already to consume that monthership.....one negative energy turn into a brooding hurt jsut ready to snap.
So let me tell you, I ahve stories, so many of them.... for many years although happy I was in a spiral of stories and actions that started with a 16 year old pregant girl searching for LOVE, but not anything remotly plauable.
My spritual surrender has always been with me, i ahd never moved away from the feeling of being of service or helping the under dog. I knew at a young age I waned to be a helper, my earliest memory of preacinng the Jehovash Wittnes practise was 5 or 6, I remmeber being scremad at my a lady telling us never to know at her door again. I remember the feeling of fear, but not for my self as she towered over me, but for her....because Armageddon was coming and she neede to be warned.
Can you imagine growing up in an enviroment where by with every year that passed was a year closer to judgment day....what had I done, or not done in that year that would find me accoutable? even at the age for 25 i still had the fear that my daughter and I would face God' wrath and we would be punished, waht kind of a Mother was I, to allow this to happen to my daughter?
Selfish was the word.... the word I felt, the word often said the word I saw. Being selfish, turns to denial, denial turn to self loath, self loath turns to bad attraction, bad attraction turns into a long 7 year abusive relationship, which saw me with bruese, broken bones and heart ripped apart, all with sweetest smile still on my face. You see, I was a Mother, a Daughter, a Friend, a Confident....I was all these things, things that require a level of sainty it maintain. The truth could not come out.... was this not just an extention of my chldhood? Feeling trapped...
This time I was an adult, so I could leave, it's not like the days of having to live up to the JW mirage of being a spritual lover, however I couldn't leave....the fear of loosing someone that was going through life with me even though they abused the privilege, it was better than being stripped down naked, alone again. it was better than that sepration feeling when you are expected to aling yourself with proctice that litteraly went against everything I stand for... the crazy thing, is that I didnt even know it.
Being here today, unravling just a snipet of my life, paints a pictre. it does not tell you all aspects of what I ahve been through jsut enough to know I ahve hurt, I ahve been abanoed, but I ahve given life, and so I ahve felt the happiest moments a women could ever feel. I tell you these things, not to glorify my war wounds, or to thkn, I have soem untitled knowing to help guide you kn your own jpourney, I tell you this snippet becaise it does not amtte waht follows you around, or akes you who you are today, what matters is waht you are doing now.
I don't live in anger towards my parents, or my ex or the establishment. I hold the thins that are dear to me close and the thing that don't serve me far. Memores are just that, memories. And when that memroy does not serve me I hold it at a distance and I allow LOVE to replace that energy.
I wouldnt change a thing, but I know there are easier ways....
If I through my far held expreinces can assist you in any recovery process that you wish to endevor on and feel comforatble with the word LOVE, then I would love to be the vessel between you and LOVE....I wold love to help LOVE speak to you, as it has done me.
Please thank the DIVEIN LOVE BEINGS for enabling these words...